Before I begin, I want to mention that I am aware that I have written two articles in a row about sparkling water. While I am not solely on the fizzy beverage beat, my attention has been pulled to an emerging local news story that made writing this article unavoidable. Discarded throughout campus, I have noticed an increasingly-disturbing number of thin, matte, and colorful aluminum cans. During Zoom classes, I have noticed a growing contingent of students sipping from these same cans, their eyes growing in size with each lustful pull. What are these drinks that have befallen our campus, why has their rise to fame been so swift, and should we be worried?

If you aren’t already familiar, this beverage is called Bubbl’r and can be found in the drinks section of the cafeteria. Described on their website as “bubbles with benefits,” these sparkling beverages contain antioxidants, vitamins, and as much caffeine as a cup of coffee. This potent blend is purported to “boost, energize, and restore balance.” Based on the fiendish relationship that some Bubbl’r-imbibing friends have with the drink, they must be doing something right. Being an off-board student, I had yet to try this new it-drink on campus. As a service to this column and the greater good of the campus community, I must report on this drink and give my earnest opinion.

After making a swift and silent deal with an on-board student in a dark corner of the Post patio, I went to my off-campus apartment and cracked open the three flavors: Cherry Guava Blend’r, Lemon Lime Twist’r, and the Twisted Elix’r.

At first sip, Cherry Guava is equally intriguing and repulsive. Syrupy jolly rancher notes are met with harsh vegetal flavors (is that banana peel that I’m tasting?) However, there is something to the Flintstone-esque bitterness from the various vitamins and supplemental ingredients that actually helps counter the sweetness of the cherry, and begs you to continue drinking. 

Compared to the vibrant pink of the Cherry Guava, the color of Lemon Lime Twist’r is a muted grey/green haze, similar perhaps to isolated whey or the bathwater from a well-used tub. Despite being remarkably juicy and bold on the front end, the flavors of Lemon Lime drop instantly and slide down your throat in a hurry. Yet, similar to Cherry Guava is an inexplicable urge to continue drinking. 

Twisted Elix’r is perhaps most potent of the three flavors. By this point in the tasting, I had already become accustomed to the tantalizing half-sweet nature of these drinks. Somehow, Bubbl’r has struck a balance between holistic super juice and metallic rocketfuel, and you want to keep sipping. 

I had to cut myself off, however. While taste is important, I have a final element of this drink that I had to investigate. One of the claims of Bubbl’r is that it has zero grams of sugar, without having to rely on artificial sweeteners. How does achieve this level of sorcery, you may ask? The makers of Bubbl’r rely on a sugar alcohol called erythritol to give their drinks their essential juicy-sweetness. 

I have an unsettling finding to report regarding the side effects of consuming erythritol. Erythritol doesn’t get digested by the body, which is how it is able to impart sweetness on the tongue while still being virtually zero-calorie. Yet, because it is not digested, erythritol causes significant bloating, diarrhea and other gastrointestinal issues when it reaches the lower intestines. This is not to say that a Bubbl’r every once and a while won’t hurt you, but considering the cult-like obsession that this drink imparts on its fan base, there are some concerning implications: As you are reading this, dozens and dozens of students are walking around the halls of our campus with undigested erythritol bumping around in their colons. Just as students are gearing up for all nighters and final exams, the caffeinated drink of choice on campus is also a fortified laxative.