Hi! This question is a little embarrassing, but my bf and I are both out of shape, both very different body types and not very flexible. Oral is our go-to, which is always great, but we’re looking to have more sex with our strap-on and I think we both feel like it’s been a little awkward and clumsy when we try. Any suggestions for two people with vaginas to have not-flexible-friendly strap-on sex?

YES I do! I’m adamant about the accessibility of sex and diverse forms of pleasure for people with limited mobility, and that includes you! This question is applicable to a lot of people, from simple inflexibility to arthritis to limb differences to chronic fatigue… the list is long, so thank you for asking, and I hope I’m able to give you a satisfying answer. 

So, my very first suggestion, as it will always be, is to use plenty of lube. The less friction there is, the less force has to be used to thrust. The slippier, the better. 

My second suggestion is to take a minute with your body, on your own (both of you!) and see what exactly your body is comfortable with. Explore its limits! If you notice that you have particularly low flexibility in your hips, or maybe that you can kneel and bounce for a few minutes but that’s about it, communicate that with your partner. You will be less clumsy and awkward when you are familiar with each other’s abilities and limits! 

One thing I want to say before I talk about a few positions that might be helpful to you is that there’s no requirement to be in a position for longer than it’s comfortable. If it’s absolutely uncomfortable, then don’t bother! BUT, if you have positions that you really like and just can’t keep up, know that you can 1. Adapt it, or 2. Just do it for as long as you want and then get on to something else. Take turns having the more active role (being on top) so that you can rest.

Now for some positions! You’re going to want things that don’t require particularly active roles and have the most physical support. That means that the person on top needs something to hold onto so that their core isn’t doing all of the work and they can catch themselves if they get tired and need to rest. It should also help with the clumsiness to have a stabilizing element. That could be a headboard, the back of a couch, or even a makeshift handle attached to the wall. This also goes for the person on the bottom—they can use the person on top to stabilize or grab something else.

In terms of receiving penetrative sex, if you don’t have much leg or hip flexibility, it can be hard to “open up.” In this case, use a pillow or another prop! Whether you’re on your stomach or your back, putting a pillow under your butt makes you more accessible. It’s also super normal and sometimes preferable for people to keep their legs closed during penetrative sex on their stomachs. If you’re bent over instead of laying down, put something under your feet to stand on to prop yourself up further.

For some specifics: the “reverse cowgirl” position is a good option, especially with a couple easy modifications. For example, using a pillow to prop the person on the bottom higher so you have to bounce less. Instead of squatting, have the person on the bottom spread their legs, and while facing away from them and sitting between their legs, tuck your calves under their thighs. This will add stability and make it so that you’re rocking back and forth instead of bouncing. You can reach forward and hold onto your partner’s ankles for stability, or even lay your torso down and keep rocking while you rest. 

You can also spoon and have sex! The receiving partner should be the little spoon, and you can both participate in rocking back and forth without having to lift anything or worry about spreading your legs. Another option is for the penetrating partner to sit on a chair and the receiving partner to sit on top, facing each other, with their feet touching the floor and holding the back of the chair. That will give you more stability and control for both partners. 

I also recommend, though I recognize that not everyone is looking for or can afford this, buying a dildo that vibrates or has a spot for a bullet vibrator so that when thrusting slows down or you have to take a break, there’s still stimulation going on. A thrusting dildo can keep the movement going while you take breaks too!