When I sit down with my grandchildren around the dumpster fire (I feel like our future will only contain more dumpster fires), I will regale them of the first time I had a can of La Croix. 

This first sip was back in the times when La Croix was not a ubiquitous Gen Z staple, but something that was still outdated and uncool. I’ll tell them about how I went searching across multiple grocery stores, eventually finding a dusty 12-pack of—”is that french for ‘grapefruit?’”—hiding shamefully in the back of the drinks aisle. 

That first citrusy sip was a revelation. What is it about the nausea inducing can design and faux french glitz, paired with unapologetically bland and muted flavors, that just seemed so right? This first 12 pack was my first footfall on a path that has brought manic highs and bubbly, burpy lows.

I rode the wave of La Croix Fever. We all did. We all thought that La Croix was going to replace tap water some day. We were signing, sipping and shotgunning La Croix (leave this one to the pros, kids) with a feverish tenacity. It was a fizzy fever dream. Those days are over, and probably for the better.

This doesn’t mean that I still don’t drink about a can of the stuff every day. I’m still a part of a motley, carbonation addled crew that is recovering from years of abuse. I look back on all the cans I’ve cracked, and ask myself “what did I gain from this? What did I accomplish from this nearly endless self harm and shameless beverage vanity?” 

The only answer I can muster is that I am deeply, deeply familiar with the La Croix flavor lineup. Over the years, I have held a ranking of every flavor I have tried on the notes app of my phone. I feel like the time has come for me to share my thoughts, and stand in solidarity with others who are on the road to building a healthier relationship with LC. 

Ranked from lowest to highest:

19. Coconut

The absolute worst. Drinkable sunscreen. Enough said.

18. Mojito

A rare La Croix flavor, but I really wish it was rarer (as in, I really wish it didn’t exist). Any sort of redeeming mint or lime flavor is squashed by an unyielding bubblegum “rum” taste. 

17. Pure 

It’s hard to rat on plain ol’ sparkling water, but what’s the point of getting La Croix if you are getting it plain? 

16. Cantaloupe Grapefruit

This combination is unholy. Somehow the flavors of Grapefruit and Cantaloupe, which by themselves are seemingly innocuous and good things, become an unruly assault on the taste buds when combined. 

15. Coffee Cola 

You probably didn’t realize that this was a La Croix flavor, didn’t you? Luckily I’ve done the scouting for you and (believe it or not!) this is a terrible flavor. But, that isn’t to say that deep down I have found that coffee and cola flavors do kinda/sorta/maybe/almost work together. I have an extra can that I keep in my fridge La Croix Cellar. When the moment’s right I’ll open it up and probably regret it. 

14. Berry

What is it about this flavor that tastes way too….fuzzy?

13. Cherry Lime

One of the failed La Croix flavor combinations no doubt. The Fun Tall Can isn’t even able to redeem the painful syrupy, one note taste. Also, the tall can has more surface area, leaving to a faster warming beverage. I know there are some Cherry Lime sympathizers out there but I’ve got math on my side, folks. 

12. Cran Raspberry

Update: they recently changed the name of this one “Razz-Cranberry.” Evidence that no amount of focus grouping and rebranding can save a flavor that is incredibly forgettable.

11. Key Lime

The taste of one tiny green skittle, dissolved in fizzy water. It is for a certain kind of mood. Not one that I am frequently in.

10. Orange

This is the rocky road ice cream of La Croix Flavors. Reliable, but feels like a pretty boring choice considering the options. There’s better stuff out there, folks. 

9. Blackberry Cucumber 

I always love drinking cucumber water and the way it makes me feel like I’m in a clickbait ad for some sort of drink that “Is A Power Washer For Your Colon!” or “Flushes Toxins FAST.” This flavor emulates that feeling, which is sometimes a feeling I want in my life. 

8. Apricot

I really tried liking this one. I really did. And yet, it has a pretty forgettable flavor. I still get it every once and awhile just to pretend I like it because I feel like cool people like this flavor. 

7. Mango

I like mangos, and I like this flavor of La Croix, but is it really the same flavor? Can’t really tell, don’t really care. [Also note: This is the point in the ranking when the field has been narrowed down to my top flavors. These, according to my extensive research, are the pièces de résistance of La Croix universe.]

6. Lime 

A true classic, but not as quite good as lemon. Maybe some of you will fight me on this one, but I think we can all agree that it’s not a paradigm shifting flavor. I still drink it though. I still drink a lot of it actually. 

5. Passionfruit

The more and more I drink La Croix, the more I wonder if I like certain flavors just because of the color scheme on the can. Passionfruit is a great example of this phenomena. I feel like I just get this just for the way the can looks. But do you know what? Aesthetics matter. 

4. Lemon 

A big hitter of the La Croix world. A “gateway” flavor that only will convince even the most skeptical of your friends. Soon enough, you’ll have them drinking Coffee Cola La Croix like a champ. 

3. Pamplemousse

Ah yes. The enigmatic, illustrious grapefruit flavor that is too good for the English language. Pample has been at the top of my list in years past, and it will always hold a special place in my sparkling water logged heart. 

2. Peach-Pear

A bombastic, juicy sip that never fails to slap. I really cannot tell if it is the peach or the pear that keeps me coming back to this one over and over. An example of competency at the La Croix flavor combination labs (still doesn’t make up for the mess they made with Cantaloupe Grapefruit).

1. Tangerine

Tangerine hasn’t always been the top dog. I’ve always considered this flavor to be the type A overachieving sibling of the orange variety: excellent, but pretty aggressive and manic tasting. Currently though, I have been feeling especially harried and wanting a beverage that will meet me where I’m at. Tangerine fits the bill, and does it with grace. And maybe there’s a more general lesson to be had. Listen to your body, mind and soul when making big decisions, such as figuring out what type of La Croix to get next.