Winter has fully arrived, which means we have entered prime tea drinking season. Sure, these are some dark and depressing months, but the dreariness of the weather (and let’s be real, many other things currently) only gives me more of an excuse to pound steeped beverages without remorse. In past years, I have been known to sulk out of the Knox cafeteria with pockets brimming with tea bags (don’t tell Doug Steinfeldt). Honestly, I have probably gotten my money’s worth from the meal plan from tea alone. Maybe if you know me as the Co-Founder and President of the much venerated Tea Club, you wouldn’t be surprised by this statement. Regardless, it’s about time that we review the many tea options available to Knox students.

Aged Earl Grey – 5/5

It took me a long time to get comfortable drinking this tea. Namely, what is aged about it, and why would that make it any better? I guess I don’t really care if I know, because this stuff is zesty and excellent. One caveat: Apparently Earl Grey himself was some 19th century British Prime Minister who created this tea when doing “missionary work” in China. Can’t we just start calling this tea something less colonialist? Maybe “Bodacious Bergamont”??

Golden Chai – 3/5

Nothing like a nice chai to warm up the soul during a cold Sunday morning, right? The only field note for this tea is that this stuff can get dangerously oversteeped at the bat of an eyelash. One moment you’ve achieved spicy spicy bliss. The next, you suddenly have tea that is a black as night cinnamon bomb that will turn your teeth the color of the London sky and your stomach into a gurgling anise-filled hot tub. Beware. 

Jasmine Green – 5/5

For the longest time, I associated the taste of Jasmine tea with dusty neglected tea cabinets. Jasmine is so ubiquitous that it never caught my eye. That is, until I tasted this high powered version and learned to love and respect the addition of flowers in tea. I feel like people are really sleeping on this part of Jasmine tea. I mean, have you ever seen a picture of a jasmine flower? They are beautiful! Why would you not want to drink beautiful things?!

Toasted Rice – 3.5/5 

I’ll admit, this tea is a pretty easy tea to dunk on. People love to trash the unavoidable ricey-ness of it, and are astonished and concerned when they see their friends (like me) drink it. But I gotta say….the rice works in this. I’m okay with a little extra toastiness in my green tea. Also, it functions as a nice tea snack if you are really looking to receive maximal sustenance from your tea bag.

Chamomile Lemon – 2/5

Man, all I can say is that Chamomile Lemon and I have gone through it all. At my lowest of lows, I drank up to 4 mugs of this stuff a day. And I really didn’t drink it for the flavor either, but rather as a feeble attempt to feel some degree of warmth and comfort during the annual nadir of my Vitamin D levels. It has served its function, but the taste of chamomile still haunts me. 

Rooibos Chai – 2/5

Most of the time when I pick out a Rooibos Chai, it’s because I mistakenly thought it was a Golden Chai. Or, there are no Golden Chais available and I concede to its non-caffeinated relative. So maybe it’s unfair for me to judge this tea, since I always drink it from a state of disappointment. Or, maybe it really is just not that great of a tea. 

White Rose – 5/5

Another tea with flowers, and I am here for it. Drinking White Rose is a multi-layered, aromatic and transcending experience. Also, I feel like very cool, competent and emotionally intelligent people would drink this tea. 

Dry Desert Lime – 1/5

This is by far the most infamous tea flavor of the canon. Sandy little clods of crushed lime produce a tea that looks, smells and tastes like cat urine (For the record, I have never tasted cat pee. Just wanted to make that clear.) 

In a cursed occult corner of my tea drawer lies a lonely bag of Dry Desert Lime tea. Maybe I’ll crack it open and have one final sulfury cup. Or not.