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Pillowtalk – Being a better Dom



Help me be a better dom!!! 

What a question! I have an extensive but incomplete understanding of BDSM practices, and I don’t know too much about your situation but that being said, I’ll do my best to give you helpful, meaningful and tempered advice. 

So when we’re talking about Doms (dominants), I think it’s important to note that “dom” means something different to everyone. For some people, it’s a job. For others, it’s a role they play during sex or BDSM scenes. And for some, it’s a role they play in their relationships or more broadly in their lives.

One thing that many of these concepts of domination have in common is authority and confidence. These things can and should be faked, so don’t worry about not feeling confident or self assured. Being anxious is normal and often good! Healthy amounts of anxiety can heighten pleasure and keep up your energy for longer. For tips on faking confidence, look at the way you talk about yourself—hype yourself up! Start texting first! Ask for what you want during sex! Get used to taking control in some ways.

For ideas, consult content! Try finding performers or authors whose BDSM practices you respect (they need to be risk-aware and in consensual spaces) and want to model. Take notes of phrases, requests, positions and responses you like. Show your partner too! See what they like and what they want to model.

Then, practice. With a partner, in the mirror, in a chat, with a teddy bear, by writing erotica, by sexting. Try to build on what you learn from practice, edit your technique, take criticism. Learn what you like to do and what you’re good at! You’re not going to be able to try everything now. Start with the things you’re comfortable and confident with, and then branch out to new things (along with your partner)!

For continuing education, look to your community resources, social media educators, podcasts, books and boutiques/clubs (when COVID isn’t around!). Read blogs and stories, make friends with people in the BDSM community and people who are Doms. Consult your partners, and see what new things they want to try! Make specific goals for how you want to expand your practice, such as what new accessories do you want to try? Positions, situations, activities? Explore based on those!

Please feel free to ask more questions about this. I wanted to provide a broad enough answer to be relevant to many situations. I believe in you.

Have a question for Elleri? Send it to to or scan our QR code here!

Have a question for Elleri?

Send it to to

or scan our QR code here!

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