College roommates are a key part of the adolescent experience. Just like pulling an all-nighter before a class, stocking up on energy drinks, or complaining about the cafeteria. Roommates and roommate issues are simply part of college life. 

However, these issues do not have to grow. In fact, according to the Assistant Dean for Campus Life, Jake McClean, most conflicts can be solved with a good, honest conversation. 

“I would say there’s about 80% of roommate conflicts that could be solved by engaging in conversation. Like respectful, honest conversations, not a debate of who’s right and who’s wrong,” he said. “It’s like, ‘Can we reach an agreement?’ or ‘How can we exist in the same space together?’”

Issues between roommates can range from a variety of things—different personalities, room cleanliness, sleep schedules—and often these disagreements are left to fester rather than be worked through. 

“Usually, by the time a student reaches my office, they have let it go so long that a conversation won’t help,” McClean said. “But that’s why we have everybody fill out their roommate or suitemate agreements, so that there’s a foundational document that we can turn to in the event that we experience a disagreement.”

Now, while the advice on paper can be as simple as having a conversation with your roommate, that is a lot better said than done. It doesn’t mean it’s bad advice, though. In fact, the more difficult conversations you have with your roommate, the less conflicting they are. In the end, rather than voicing your disagreements, you are simply having great communication. 

I’ve had three roommates over the course of two years, two in my freshman year and one (who I love and adore) this year as a sophomore. Much like many people, addressing issues with my roommate sounded like a death sentence. McClean puts it in a very eloquent way:

“No one wants to be a burden…you might start the fall and have a really good roommate relationship and not want to ruin the friendship by bringing up conflict,” he said.

This was very true my freshman year when I moved into my friend group’s suite during spring term. I love my friends, I spent more time in their dorm than my own before I moved in, and my roommate was the kindest person I knew. 

Which is why conflict was a complete no-go. (Do as I say, not as I do, guys.)

We had very different sleeping schedules. I was a morning person; she was a night owl. I didn’t like the smell of food in our room; she air-fried food a lot. I would wear my AirPods to bed to block out her doom scrolling; she didn’t own headphones. 

She didn’t enjoy having people in our room every day; I would bring our friends over a lot. She didn’t like the lights from my desk being on at night; I would always forget to turn them off. She liked to be social at night and hang out, I didn’t leave the dorm after 8 p.m. 

These were small issues that could pile up. But since we were (and are) friends, asking her to change her habits or routine seemed like a fate worse than death. Hence, any conflict felt like shattering a delicate balance.

But, as Dean McClean says, “Some things are not viable… and so there’s a fair amount of compromise that needs to happen throughout the course of a conversation.”

So slowly, but surely, we talked to each other. And to our surprise, we were both anxious for no reason because we were willing to change things so the other could be comfortable.

The only way for roommates to truly get along is when both of them understand that sacrifices or changes need to be made so they can coexist and compromise.

For us, that meant: 

• Noise was allowed in the room from 8:30 a.m. until one of us went to sleep first.
• After the air fryer is used, the window must be opened to air out the room.
• We have to ask each other, or at least notify each other, if people are coming into the room.
• The lights get turned off when the last person falls asleep.
• Always, right when it pops into your head, tell each other if we need space, quiet, or comfort.
• Being a good friend means inconvenience, not crossing boundaries, but being willing to inconvenience yourself for your roommate.

Now, I’m aware that not every pair of roommates will be friends, but the way to get there is by being able to have the hard conversations. 

Sometimes, hearing your own issues come from someone else gives you an outside perspective. So if you can think of a solution to someone else’s problems, then you can definitely find a solution for your own. 

Have that conversation.

It could go well, or it could go badly, but you can at least get the first step of resolving conflict out of the way. The rest will come naturally.